47: Sent

Kiara—

As I lay here in my bed, staring at my hand and clutching Hamfrey I can feel my heart pounding. After last night I could barely sleep. I actually got to hold his hand. Even though it was for a different reason, I still got to hold his hand on the Ferris wheel. The whole night was kind of magical.

I finally manage to pull myself out of bed and get dressed for the day. Still, my heart aches. If only it could have been an actual date. The whole time I kept having to remind myself it wasn’t. It would have been so much easier if we were in a group like we planned.

Going about my day, I find it hard to concentrate on anything. I thought I would be able to get some work done since Shyba had gone with Jer to do some odd job for Hank and wouldn’t be here to distract me. No matter what I try to do though, I end up lost in my head.

I toss my fabric and scissors onto the bed with an exasperated sigh and look around. My eyes land on my desk to the book I had gotten from the library a couple days ago. Maybe a change of setting will help.

Before long, I am heading out the door with my backpack in tow. As I drive into town, I keep switching between radio stations because every song that comes on is a freaking love song. Is the universe trying to torture me?

I get to the entrance to the park and get out of the car, grabbing my backpack. As I glance up, I notice Jeremiah’s truck parked across the street at Bubba’s Burgers and catch sight of them sitting up on the second-floor deck with Nicky. For a moment I watch them, my heart twinging and then I am quickly looking down at my shoes.

Why can’t I get it together? Clutching the strap of my bag, I quickly make my way to my favorite reading spot, the gazebo. Unfortunately, it is occupied, so I try the table by the garden. Finding it empty, I sit and open my book to the first page.

Even after a few moments, here I sit staring at the same page. I know I have read the same sentence at least ten times, but still don’t know what it says. All I wanted to do was get my mind off my aching heart, but I can’t even sit and read a book without thinking about it!

I’m such a loser. Even when I try to make it seem like everything is okay and give him my best, I almost burst into tears. I know I’m stronger than this. Why does it hurt so much?

With tears in my eyes, I get my phone out. I’ll just do what I have done before and write out my feelings. That always seemed to help. I click on his message box and for a second my thumbs hover over the keys before I start typing. The more I type the more the words seem to spill out of me until I am not sure what to say anymore. I let out a sigh, trying to gauge if I feel better or not.

“Kiara!”

The voice makes me jump in my seat, nearly dropping my phone as I juggle it, before finally grabbing it firmly. Letting out my held breath I look up, seeing one of Mama’s coworkers.

I put on a smile and wave. “Oh, hey Mrs. Hill!”

“You still got that sewing business? I have a few things that need hemmed,” she says.

I nod. “Yes, I do. I have a card here with my number,” I say, setting my phone down beside me and digging into my bag. I go over and hand her the card.

“Oh great! I’m so glad I ran into you. Thank you dear,” she says. “I’ll call you in a couple days.”

“Sounds good,” I tell her.

As she leaves, I go back to my spot and pick up my phone. My eyes rest on the screen and my heart drops, my blood running cold. Below my message in tiny letters is the terrifying word “seen”.

Shyba—

Jeremiah and I make our way up to the second floor of Bubba’s Burgers, having decided to eat inside today. We head out to the balcony where there are several more tables, spotting Nicky at a table by the railing. Not many people are out here, but we are here early so they are not crowded yet. We go over and sit down, setting our order markers on the table.

“Did you guys have fun at Hanks?” Nicky asks.

“Oh, loads,” Jeremiah says, rolling his eyes. “The leak in his roof was a bigger pain in the ass than it was supposed to be. We had to make three trips to the hardware store!”

He waves over at me. “And lovesick over here kept drifting off into space!”

I feel my cheeks heat up. “Sorry, I could not stop thinking about last night.”

Nicky grins, nudging me with his elbow. “So, how’d it go? Seems like it went pretty good. Did you finally tell her?”

“Eheh, n-no. I almost did, but then got interrupted,” I mutter.

“Jer told me you got sick,” he says.

My cheeks flare up and they laugh. I sit there for a moment. “I think you both are the only ones with the balls to make fun of me.”

They pause and we all look at each other. Then we are laughing, Jeremiah wheezing.

“So, what else happened?” Jeremiah asks, wiping his eyes from laughing so hard.

“I won her a prize like you said. And we ate funnel cake. It was good,” I say.

They glance at each other before he looks back at me. “Riiight. What actually happened? You wouldn’t be spacing out all day just for that.”

My heart pounds thinking of it, my face gradually heating up more and more. “She… held my hand,” I mutter weakly.

Nicky gasps dramatically. “My god man, TMI! Control yourself!”

Jer squishes his cheeks together. “How sweet.”

“B-but it was because she thought I was afraid of heights!” I say, waving my hands. “On the Ferris wheel, I tried to tell her, but I could not get the words out and she saw I was acting weird.” I let out a breath. “It was the perfect time to tell her. Why can I not get the words out?”

“Well,” Nicky starts, “what are you still afraid of?”

I look at him and for a moment everything is silent as I contemplate. “Is it really okay for us to be together like that? I am not… the ideal choice for her.”

Jeremiah crosses his arms, leaning back in his chair. “Well, of course anyone would wish the circumstances were better. But no one can change the past. There’s no point in torturing yourself over something that can’t be changed,” he says and looks over at me.

“It would be different if you weren’t remorseful and believed you didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re not blood-thirsty either. Then there would be a problem. I feel like it’s best just to be happy with the fact that you’re not still there doing their bidding… because no more people are getting hurt by your hands and you’re not getting hurt anymore either.”

My mind reels as I listen. Then he pats my shoulder. “I’m supportive as long as you are both good for each other and I think you are. I know you will treat her right because that’s the kind of person you are. And she would be good to you also… but you already know that.”

Nicky crosses his arms over his chest. “And also, what the hell?”

I look over to him. “Eh?”

“Is it okay?” he asks. “What do you mean? You two are the ones involved, so you two are the ones to decide that. And if you’re asking that because you think you’re gonna somehow make her dirty or give her a bad name, that’s bullshit.”

He glares at me as he speaks. “You know that, right? If you think she’s so weak then do you really know her? Or are you just using that as an excuse?”

As I stare at him, I’m paralyzed, only able to listen to him speak.

“For so long you were terrified of her finding out the truth about you and then when she did, she still accepted you, but you’re still scared. Why do you think that is?”

For a second, I cannot find my voice and I stare downward. “I am afraid that I cannot make her happy.”

“That’s bullshit too,” he says. “You know you can make her happy. You know she lights up when you walk in the room. That all it takes is one look from you and she’s smiling from ear to ear all damn day. You already know she likes you! So, what is holding you back?”

“Nick…” Jeremiah mutters.

Nicky holds up his hand. “He needs to hear this,” he says. “Don’t you realize, dumbass? She could have her pick of practically anyone from here to the other side of Texas, but she wants you! I’m tired of this ‘I’m a bad guy, I don’t deserve her’ pity party crap! Tell her how you feel dammit! She is waiting for you!”

Hearing his words is like taking a knife in the chest and my breath is short, my mind reeling. Everything is silent for a long moment as I stare at the wood grain of the table. I hear the server bring our food, setting everything on the table before taking our markers and leaving, all while I remain unmoving mulling over everything.

“You are right,” I hear my voice whisper weakly. “I… need to think about it differently. I keep thinking I can run from every part of my past, but I know I cannot do that. And it takes too much energy that I can use for her instead. So, I will use what I can to my advantage, like when I won her the pig.”

“Good,” he says. “So, what is your plan?”

I take a deep breath, lifting my head. I get the sense I am being watched and turn my head to see Kiara standing below. As she turns to leave, my eyes are fixated on her in a way I had not felt in a long time, though something is different. What is this restless feeling throughout my body? I feel as though I want to run.

“My plan is the same as always,” I say, watching as she leaves my line of sight. “Complete the mission.”

“Oh shit, where did the confidence come from?” Jeremiah asks, mouth half full.

“I am not sure,” I say, taking a bite of my fry. “I feel different though. It does not scare me as much. I can do it this time.”

“You’re welcome,” Nicky says.

I bite into my burger and look back toward the park as I chew. If it weren’t for the fact that I just got my food I would be heading her way already. I know she has most likely gone to read at the gazebo like she does though, so that gives me plenty of time.

“I saw her go into the park, so when I finish eating, I will go to her. I do not want to make her wait much longer,” I tell them.

“Sweet,” Jeremiah says.

For a bit, I eat in silence, contemplating just what to tell her. As I finish my burger, my phone buzzes and I check the notification. “Oh, she messaged me.”

“Is it another cat meme?” Jeremiah asks.

I laugh. “No, it is text,” I say and open the message.

As I read, I sip my soda. “Hey Shyba. I really had a lot of fun last night. I was so happy to see you having fun and getting to hang out with you again. I thought you were really cool with the darts and I love my prize.”

I smile, my cheeks warming. She really thought I was cool? I’m glad I took Jeremiah’s advice.

“But I have a confession to make. On the Ferris wheel I asked to hold your hand because you were scared but really I just wanted to hold your hand. It was something I wanted to do for a while and since I thought it could help you I offered. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really like you. Actually I love you and I have for a while now.”

My heart pounds, my cheeks flushed. Suddenly, everything else around me is gone and it is only me and the words on the screen as I read that last sentence over and over.

“I kept wishing last night was a real date. And I wish I could hold your hand again. You know what? Remember when you asked me to make a wish? That’s my wish. That you would want to hold my hand like a couple, that we could be together. Even a kiss would be amazing, but I don’t think one wish could cover all that.”

I choke on my drink, my heart pounding just thinking about it.

“Dude, you good?” Jeremiah asks.

“I better not have to do mouth-to-mouth on you,” Nicky says through his burger.

I wave them off, my eyes watery. “Okay! *cough* I am okay!”

Nicky grabs the phone out of my hand, and I haphazardly try to grab it back while gasping for breath. They hold it out of my reach to read it and Nicky gasps, Jeremiah starting to laugh, clapping. I grab my phone again to finish reading, my face on fire.

“Anyway, I just wanted to write out my feelings. I know I can’t tell you these things even though it feels like they are trying to burst out of me when I see you. So I will delete this message just like I have deleted all the others I wrote to you. Maybe one day when I know you’re not struggling as much with all that other stuff I will tell you, but I know you need to focus on that so I will wait.”

Then below that is, “PLEASE DON’T READ THAT”

Then another message pops up, “I didn’t mean to send that please don’t read it”

My phone keeps dinging as more messages pop up.

“Please tell me you didn’t read it”

“Shyba please respond I know you are seeing these”

“Shyba??”

“Well, now what?” Jer asks.

I stand. “I need to go,” I say and turn to the railing. Something is screaming inside of me to just… run. Run to her. Run!

“Whoa! Use the stairs! What are you thinking?!” Nicky shouts as I hoist myself up.

“No time!” I shout, launching myself off the railing and landing nimbly on the sidewalk below. A few passersby gasp in surprise, but unlike I’m used to they don’t run away. Without wasting another second, I am sprinting to the park.

I hear Jeremiah whooping and yelling behind me. “You got this!”

“Thanks for the fries!” Nicky yells.

My phone dings again and I look at it as I run. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to send it. You can ignore it like you never saw it. Please just ignore it.”

Part of me wants to message back, but I know it would only delay me from getting there faster. Nothing I can type in a message would even be close to what I want to tell her in person, not for something this important. So, I shove my phone in my pocket and press on. The last time I ran this fast I was running from police. I never would have imagined to one day be running after a girl.

The sunset streaks the sky in pinks and reds. My breath becomes heavy as I push my limit, my heart pounding, my lungs aching. She isn’t at the gazebo, so I skid to a stop, booking it to the garden.

I get there and gasp, my heart skipping a beat. There she is. Without realizing I have suddenly frozen in my tracks, gasping for breath and once again gazing at her. She sits at the table wiping her eyes. I clutch my chest.

I want to be the one to wipe away every tear you shed.

How can one sweet, beautiful, amazing girl terrify me so much? I am still unsure about a lot, about how I am even going to tell her my feelings, about my future. The only thing I am entirely certain of is how I feel about her.

More than how weak I am; she gives me strength. More than how terrified I am; I want her. More than how much I hate myself; I love her.