43: Okay

The day passes and I am helping Kiara and Reba fix dinner. After Kiara cut herself the last time, Reba and I decided to make sure she no longer has to use a knife. Then again, my knife experience helps in the kitchen, though it was a bit of a learning curve on how to cut vegetables instead of, well, people. At least something I am good at turned out to be useful here.

I get the table ready, and they set out the food. Everyone quickly gathers, ready to eat. The atmosphere is warm and smells of Reba’s special beef stew, bringing back memories of when I first woke up here. Then as usual she asks everyone about their day and as she lands on me, I scramble for words, not wanting to reveal the sandwich thing. Jeremiah and Nicky give me side-long glances, grinning, and I try not to look at them.

“Hey Shyba,” Jade starts, “did you ever eat with sticks? Sarah said she went to eat at a Japan style place, and they used sticks to eat.”

“You mean ‘hashi’?” I ask.

Her brows furrow. “No, she said they were uh… chapsticks.”

Reba laughs. “You mean ‘chopsticks’.”

“You call them ‘chopsticks’?” I ask.

She nods. “Yup.”

My brow rises–. “That is strange.”

Kiara’s giggle nearly gives me a heart attack. “Is it? You said they’re ‘hashi’, right?”

“Ah, mm,” I mutter, nodding and turn to Jade. “I did since I was a child. It is common to use them.”

“Is it hard?” Harmony asks.

“It takes practice, but it is not difficult,” I tell them.

“Could you show us?” Jade asks, her eyes big.

I look between the two of them. They look so eager. “I do not mind. We would need to get some first.”

Before I know it, they are turned toward Reba. “Can we Mama? Please?”

She laughs. “I have an idea. What if we make a Japanese dinner one night and all use them?”

“Yeah!” the girls cheer.

Kiara gasps. “Let’s do it! It’ll be so much fun!”

“We’re all gonna starve,” Nicky states, before stuffing his mouth.

“Oh, come on now,” Jeremiah says. “Shyba will survive since he’s used to eating with them.”

They all laugh, and I find myself laughing along with them. What an odd family, getting worked up over “chopsticks”.

Kiara turns to me, her eyes bright. “What should we make?”

“Ah…” For a moment I mull over ideas. “There are so many things.”

“What about something you like?” she presses.

I gaze down at my plate, trying to remember. “I do not remember the exact ingredients, but as a kid I liked okonomiyaki.”

“What is it?” Jeremiah asks.

“Ah… It is whatever you want to put in it, with cabbage and meat, and then you grill it. It looks almost like pizza. I am not sure how to make it because at the restaurant there was a grill at the table. But I guess we could make it on the stove?”

“What if we used the portable grill and put it on the table?” Kiara suggests.

“That could work,” Reba says.

“As long as it ain’t raw fish I’ll eat it.” Jeremiah shrugs. I chuckle.

Reba rolls her eyes at him. “Then how about next weekend we have okonomiyaki?”

Everyone agrees, the twins ecstatic. I am honestly looking forward to it. This could be fun. Still, how should I go about teaching everyone how to use chopsticks?

“Hey Shyba,” Jade starts again. “They eat raw fish in Japan?”

Reba sighs, giving a small laugh. “Enough with the questions. Let Shyba eat his supper.”

“It is okay,” I tell her then look to Jade and nod. “Yes.”

The shock on her face forces a chuckle from me. I had found it amusing when I realized eating raw fish was considered nearly a taboo here. It’s so normal where I’m from. Though I can understand the culture shock of it.

“Did you ever eat it?” she asks, her voice high.

I nod. “A few times.”

She and Harmony both gasp, their faces horrified. “Ewww!”

It is all I can do to keep from laughing out loud.

“Does it taste good?” Kiara asks.

Jeremiah snaps his head toward her. “Are you gonna try it?”

“Well, I just might if I know it was prepared properly and all,” she retorts. “I mean, just once so I know what it tastes like.”

“Fish,” Nicky states. “It tastes like fish.”

They all continue on about it as I silently eat, watching. Is it really that big of a deal? Still, this is normal for them. They usually find something to bicker about, playfully though it may be. I have become accustomed to the noise.

I still can hardly believe that a year ago I was alone, eating instant foods in the dark, in silence. It is surreal to think I ended up with this family. Anyone could have found me out there or I could have died and would have been nothing but a mystery to these people. Yet, they took me in and cared for me.

Granted they knew nothing about me, but now, apart from the twins, everyone at this table knows of the shadow lurking behind me. Both Jeremiah and Reba have watched over me for so long, even Nicky who at first hated me. Now Kiara, after trying to avoid it for so long and then when I finally told her she put her arms around me and told me she was glad we became friends.

Here they all sit knowingly sharing a meal with someone who forfeited his humanity, soaked in blood. Yet they are all laughing and smiling. Even just a moment ago I was laughing and talking with them, just as if I belong. Here I sit, enjoying the warm and lively atmosphere. Am I… happy?

Not to mention while Kiara and I were talking about ‘Red Dragon’ I laughed when I could not even bring myself to talk about it for so long. Now she continues to sit next to me despite my waiting for her to deny me. Everyone has accepted me.

“Shyba? You okay?” I hear as Reba puts her hand on my shoulder.

I stiffen from the sudden touch and notice all eyes are on me. Then I realize the tears dripping down my face.

“Ah…” I drop my spoon and quickly reach up to wipe them away with my sleeves.

Once again it is like I am unable to stop them, my heart racing. No, not now. Not in front of everyone. Why won’t it stop?

“Is it ‘cause I was teasing you about the fish?” Jeremiah says. “I’m sorry bro.”

“N-no… I… How…can you all…? Why…? I-I am not…” How can I not finish a single sentence?

I push my bowl forward, dropping my head onto my arms. This cannot be happening. This is so embarrassing! How can I let myself break down at the dinner table like this, especially in front of Kiara? Reba rubs my back as I try to compose myself, my breath uneven.

Then I hear Jade’s voice. “What’s wrong? Why is Shyba crying?”

“Shh. Finish eating you two,” Reba says.

Next thing I hear is sniffling from across the table before a small voice says, “I don’t want Shyba to be sad…”

Unable to stop myself I look up, seeing Jade and Harmony crying. I glance around the table, and everyone has stopped eating. As she rubs my back Reba wipes her eyes with her other hand. Jeremiah is pinching the bridge of his nose, his jaw taught, trying to hold back tears. Nicky pulls his glasses off, wiping his eyes. Then I glance over to Kiara who stares at her bowl as she cries.

My mind whirls. Once again, I am scrambling, drying my eyes. “S-sorry… I-I ruined everyone’s dinner… I… Sorry… Sorry…”

Reba scoots her chair closer and strokes my head. “You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

It hits me again like a wave and I am unable to catch my breath. Why is this happening?

“Take a deep breath,” she says. I do so to the best of my ability, yet my chest feels tight.

For a few moments she continues rubbing my back as I keep taking deep breaths like she asks. Once I am finally breathing normally, I feel so exhausted. I slump over onto the table, pulling the hood of my jacket over my head.

“You don’t have to hide sweetie,” Reba tells me, and I glance up as she gives me a smile. “Right?”

For a moment, I am at a loss. What she says is true. This weight that has been lifted from my shoulders I did not even realize. Slowly, I pull the hood down and sit back up, my head still lowered.

“Are you alright now?” she asks.

I wipe my eyes again and take another ragged breath. “Mm… I am okay. I will be okay.”

But why do I feel like I’m… missing something? Am I so broken that I will never be whole again? Always feeling like pieces are missing or never able to fit them back together how they were before. I get that nagging feeling at the back of my mind once again. As if trying to remember something… Someone? A voice?

As everyone goes back to their meals, I stare into my stew, concentrating. It’s like I’m on the cusp of remembering the sound of someone’s voice. Someone I hadn’t heard in a long time. I know it was someone important. Someone close to me. But if that’s the case, why can I not remember who it is?