42: Cheese

Kiara—

The door creaks open as Mama comes into her office, carrying her red first-aid bag. As she sits down next to me, I hold up my hand. My finger throbs and I wince as she uses the disinfectant.

“Seriously Kiara, you need to be careful when using a knife,” she says, focusing on her work. “Or just have Shyba cut vegetables and stuff for you from now on.”

“I just had a lot on my mind,” I mutter, thinking back to last night.

Everything I learned about him once again feels like a wave crashing against me. After we finished talking, I had gone back to my room and cried myself to sleep. He has been carrying around so much weight. I’m still having trouble processing it all. I never thought it was that bad.

“It’s a lot to take in,” Mama says as she wraps my finger. “Do you need to talk?”

“I just don’t know what to say really,” I tell her. “I guess I’m still in shock or something. What’s going to happen? Is he gonna be okay?”

“I don’t think he’s ever going to be completely okay. As a child he had to make very hard decisions that even adults shouldn’t be faced with. But he wants to find some peace over this.”

As she finishes wrapping my finger, she lets out a sigh. “It would be different if he could turn himself in and let justice be settled. But this isn’t something we can tell anyone without throwing him back to the wolves. From what he says, this group is like a parasite that has spread even amongst law enforcement, maybe even the government. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I want to protect him… How do you feel about it?”

For a moment I don’t even know how to answer her question and tears fill my eyes. “I just keep wondering if I knew all this before… would I have fallen in love with him?” I mutter. “And I guess I feel guilty for thinking that. I know this isn’t something he wanted, but at the same time… I mean… he killed people… And I…”

I glance down at my thumbs, the skin torn around my nails. I recall how he reached over, trying to stop me from causing more damage. “But he really is a gentle person, you know? A-and yesterday he was trying to comfort me even though he was the one about to fall apart. I just… can’t see him as a killer.”

My heart aches. “What should I do? I mean, he’s not a bad person. The only times he ever got violent were when he was trying to protect us. He wouldn’t have hurt anyone if he hadn’t been given an ultimatum. And I know I keep trying to make excuses for him… I just…”

Everything is silent for a moment. “I never thought something like this could actually be real. It’s straight out of a sci-fi drama or something. And I want to just not think about it or forget it, but it’s really bothering him, and I want to help him realize he’s not bad and that if he would just give me a chance… I just don’t know what to do. I… I love him…”

Her hand is gently on my shoulder. “Kiara, this is something he needs to sort out on his own. All we can do is keep being there for him and give him room and support to do so,” she tells me. “He still hasn’t fully realized he’s okay now.”

I let out a heavy sigh. I suppose she’s right. Still, my heart won’t stop aching.

“But what can I do to support him?” I murmur. “I’m just some random normal girl. I-I can’t compete with something this serious.”

As she rubs my back, she gives a short laugh. “Maybe it’s because you are a random normal girl that you can help him.”

I look up at her as she gives me a confident grin. My eyes dart back down to the floor. “I guess I see your point… Having a sense of normalcy may be what he needs more than anything.”

For a long moment everything is silent as I stare at the floor. My heart still aches. “Mama… Do you think he could ever… like me?” I mutter. My face is hot. “Do I have a chance?”

Her silence is unnerving as I wait for her response. “What do you think?”

I glance up at her before my eyes fleet away. “I think…” I sigh deeply. “I think right now is probably not the best time to ask that.”

Her unwillingness to answer outright leaves a weight in my chest. If there were a chance, she would have told me, but she knows my past with rejections and wants to let me down easy. And how can I even think of something like this right now? Especially when he’s dealing with so much and here I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Mama pulls me against her, squeezing tightly. “Try not to dwell on it, okay?”

I nod. Easier said than done though. After trudging up to my room, I plop against my bay window. The breeze is gentle against my face as I try to soothe my throbbing heart. A young whinny draws my attention toward the barn.

As I rest my head on my arms, I watch Jeremiah and Shyba bring Cinnamon and her colt out to graze in the yard. As Shyba runs the brush along Cinnamon’s back, I find myself watching his every move. Looking at him now, no one would ever assume he was an… an assassin.

I try to picture it, trying to comprehend how the awkward and quiet boy I know is someone feared. Someone with blood on his hands. I recall the black coat he was wearing when we found him. Was that his… uniform, I guess? I try to imagine him wearing it, gazing down the sights of a handgun. But it’s like the image won’t form.

Is it taboo for me to still want him even knowing the truth? Do I really even care if it is though? Not that it would matter much to even question it if he doesn’t reciprocate. And I guess time can only tell if he could want me too.

Shyba—

As the days have passed, I keep expecting Kiara to begin ignoring me or flat out tell me to stay away from her. The first couple of days after I told her she was a bit distraught but bounced back quickly. Since then, she has continued treating me like always, cracking jokes and humming to herself while we work side by side.

Still, my anxious heart flutters each time I see her. As I have been watching her for the last several days, she keeps smiling at me the same way as before when I was told she liked me. Does that mean she still does? If she is not going to reject me, what am I waiting for?

Not to mention she held me. Thinking about it makes my heart pound like when it happened. She would not have touched me like that if she didn’t like me, right? But then she said we were friends, so maybe she does not want to like me? I am so confused.

Regardless of all that, I still have to figure out my own stuff. What Kiara said about helping others made sense, but I still don’t know how to go about that. Then again, I suppose it would be better to work up to it. What use am I if I cannot even fix my own problems?

“…ba! Shyba! Duck!” I hear Jeremiah’s voice ring out.

Without even thinking my hand snaps up, catching the yellow ball inches from my face. Next thing I know I hear barking and padded feet running up before I am suddenly on my side.

“Huntah!” I shout as he wriggles around licking my face. “Yamete!”

As Jeremiah and Nicky run up, I manage to shove the dog off me, my face covered in slobber. Hunter crouches down, whining and wagging his tail, his eyes glued to the ball in my hand. I throw it across the yard, and he takes off after it.

Jeremiah laughs. “You okay? I’m sorry, but that was hilarious!”

“I just need to wash my face,” I mutter, trying to wipe the slobber from my face, though with being knocked to the ground my cheek is now caked in dirt.

“What are you doing sitting over here by yourself without a book?” Nicky asks.

I stand, brushing the dirt from my clothes. “I was meditating.”

“Meditating or overthinking?” Jeremiah asks.

“Ah.” I pause. “Both.”

“Need to talk?” he asks.

I shove my hands into my pockets. “Not right now.”

“Okay,” he says. “Well, Kiara won’t let us help with lunch again, so we’re just goofing around. Feel free to join.”

I nod and head back toward the house. Hunter runs back toward me, and I lower my stance with my hands out. He stops before me, wagging his tail and drops the ball, nudging it toward me.

“Go play with Jeremiah,” I tell him, but he continues watching me, nudging the ball.

With a sigh I pick the ball up, his ears perking. I look around for a good direction to throw it, noticing Jeremiah and Nicky heading toward the barn with their backs turned. I suddenly recall the snowball fight, how he had started it while our backs were turned, how much fun we all had after that. Then I notice them playfully push each other. How are they best friends even though they pick at each other so much?

They have tried teasing me before. I just never seemed to know what to do. Did they want me to tease them back? Maybe that is what friends do? Perhaps I am more of a push over than I realize. I didn’t used to be… My eyes rest back onto the ball and next thing I know I am launching it across the yard.

My heart jumps into my throat. “Look out!”

“Huh?” Jeremiah shouts, turning back. He sees the ball coming and jumps, catching it. “Nice br—oof!”

Then Hunter is on top of him and Nicky bursts into laughter. “Sorry, but that’s hilarious!”

After realizing what happened I find myself laughing. Jeremiah is also laughing as he tosses the ball away, Hunter running after it. Even as I go into the house, I can still hear them. I notice Kiara at the counter, and she turns to see me.

Her eyes widen. “Oh, Shyba! I’m almost finished with the sandwiches,” she says quickly, busying herself with whatever she was doing. Then she turns back to me, her face red. “What’s with the dirt on your face?”

“Hunter,” I tell her, going over to the sink.

She giggles, my heart doing jumping jacks. As I rinse off the dirt she continues about her business and as I towel my face off, she sets the sandwiches on a plate.

“I’m gonna take these out to the table. Will you grab some sodas?” she asks.

“Mm.”

I take some sodas from the fridge along with some napkins and follow her out to the table.

“I’m going to go get the chips,” she says. “Yours is the one on top.”

As she hurries back to the house, I can’t help but recall what the twins had told me before. Could it be? I glance over, seeing the guys still over by the barn. Quickly, I sit down and grab the sandwich, staring at it. It is possible the girls were just making it up or even if it were true before it might not be now. Still, it would not hurt just to peek.

Slowly, I lift the bread off the sandwich, my heart pounding. What am I doing? This is stupid, getting worked up over a sandwich. Still, when I walked in the house earlier, she was acting strange. When will I get another opportunity to check this out? With a deep breath I pull off the bread and before my very eyes the slice of cheese… is covered in mayonnaise.

My heart sinks. Was I really hoping to find a heart? Then again, maybe the mayonnaise is covering it? I use the bread to wipe it off, yet still it is blank. Perhaps the twins really were just messing with me… Or Kiara no longer likes me in that way.

Then why was she blushing earlier? For a second, I stare at the sandwich before slowly turning the cheese over. There it is. A heart drawn into the cheese. My eyes remain glued to it, my mind racing.

“Woo! Food!” Jeremiah shouts from behind.

My heart nearly jumps out of my chest, and I quickly slap the sandwich back together, stuffing it into my mouth. He and Nicky grab their sandwiches and sodas, sitting down.

Jeremiah looks at me, raising his brow. “You okay? Your face is really red.”

I continue chewing as I had taken a much larger bite than I should have. He cocks his head before grinning and making a heart with his hands as he wiggles his eyebrows. Nicky snorts. My cheeks flame. Does everyone know about the heart-filled sandwiches Kiara has been feeding me?

She comes back out of the house and suddenly there are butterflies in my stomach. Why can I not keep it together? Jer notices and grins. I narrow my eyes at him. She sits next to me, opening the bag of chips.

Then she glances around the table, noticing the tension. “What?”

I manage to swallow, coughing a bit. However, Jeremiah beats me to the punch. “Oh, you know, talking about girls.”

The sandwich nearly slips from my hands. “J-Jeremiah was talking about Macy.” I glare at him and slide my thumb across my neck as Kiara is busy opening her soda.

He gives me a smirk. “Anyway,” he starts, “Me and Nick have some things to do so we’re gonna take this to-go. Thanks Kiara.”

Nicky begrudgingly gets up with Jeremiah. “But I wanted to keep watching,” he grumbles under his breath as they leave.

“What was that about?” Kiara mutters.

I shrug and take another bite of my sandwich, my face flushing again. What do I say? We are alone now. Do I tell her? Would now be a good time? My heart flutters around, unable to sit still.

“Hey, so I have a question… about that,” she mutters, turning toward me. “If that’s okay.”

My stomach flops and I swallow. “Ah. Okay.”

“Well, it’s just I’ve been thinking… Why ‘dragon’? Like, I get the ‘red’ part, but I mean, ‘dragon’ just seems so random. And dragons aren’t necessarily scary, it just depends on what folklore or area it’s from,” she says, continuing,

“I was curious, so I looked at what the differences were. Japanese dragons don’t even have wings like what’s on your arm and they’re known for being like water gods, right? And I think I read somewhere that sometimes they grant wishes. So, in your case I’m just wondering why they chose ‘dragon’ instead of something more… scary, I guess.”

For a second, I am not sure what to think. “That is what has been on your mind?”

She nods. “Mm-hm.”

I am at a loss and without realizing I laugh. “Of all the things… that is what you ask.”

“I was curious,” she says, her face turning red.

“Ah, sorry. I am not laughing at you. I just never put as much thought into it as you have,” I mutter, looking downward. “I am not sure why they gave me that name. I do not think it was random, but like you said, it does not make much sense. A lot of things… I still do not understand.”

For a moment, it feels like something is buzzing at the back of my mind, like something trying to break free. A memory?

I glance up, the blush on her cheeks matching mine. “Ah… If I could grant you a wish, what would it be?”

For a second, she gazes at me. “Anything?”

I nod. “Mm.”

She is silent, her gaze wandering. “There are so many things I could wish for. I’m not sure if I can pick one right now.”

“Okay,” I mutter. “If you think of one, I want to hear it.”

She gives me a smile, her brows arching. Why does she look like she is in pain?

Translations:

Yamete! = Stop!