38: Blackmail

As the days have passed, I find myself avoiding Kiara more and more. I know it is useless. We live in the same house. However, the more I think about my feelings the more anxious I feel. There is no way I can live with this. My heart feels as if it is going to burst.

The office door clicks open, and I look up from the couch. Reba steps in, still in her scrubs, and turns the light on. Upon seeing me she gasps.

“Oh, Shyba, you scared me. I didn’t expect you to be in here so late,” she says, exhaling and setting her purse on the desk. “Is there something you need?”

I stare at the floor for a second, still trying to decipher what to tell her. “I do not know what to do. Each time I try to talk to her I get so mixed up. I plan what I am going to say and then the moment I see her I forget everything,” I tell her. “These feelings must be affecting my memory or something.”

“Sweetie, you’re nervous. Perhaps you should just talk to her like you normally would,” she says, sitting next to me on the couch. “Tell you what. If it makes it easier don’t put a label on it. Don’t ask her to a date. Just ask if she would like to go to the fair with you.”

Slowly, I nod. Perhaps that would be easier. “But… I do not know if this will work. What if these feelings do not go away? How can I live with this?”

She lets out a deep breath. “Shyba… Why do you like Kiara? What about her makes you feel this way?”

“Eh?”

“Go ahead. I want you to think about it.”

“I… like that she is kind and I like when she smiles,” I mutter slowly.

She leans back, crossing one leg over the other. “Tell me more.”

I pull my hands together, trying to think. “I like when she sings… And sometimes she will dance for no reason. And she laughs at her own jokes… Can make a meal out of anything. She is so confident even though she is clumsy.”

“She works hard and never runs from a challenge. She surprises me saying random things in my language and even though she sometimes messes up… i-it is really cute. And she can hold a conversation with me even if I say nothing. We can just watch the stars together and not say a word and it is not boring. She teaches me with a smile. We work together and we have fun. I have learned so much from her.”

“It sounds to me like you really care about her,” Reba tells me.

The thought makes my heart flutter once again and I glance down at my hands. “I… want to hold her hand and make her happy.” As I realize more and more things my heart becomes heavy. “I will never be good enough for her.”

“Shyba, did you not hear a word I said the other day?”

“You do not understand.” My head falls into my hands, and I feel my throat tightening. “I do not deserve to like someone like her. I… The things I have done…”

“I realize this is heavy on you, but sweetie, I know without a doubt that what you did, it wasn’t because you are bad. And I also know, without a doubt, that you deserve to be happy, but if you keep letting your past into the present you will never be able to truly escape. You need to accept what happened and move on from it.”

Heat fills my eyes, my throat aching. “There is no way to accept this. I…” I buckle over. “Reba… I… Th-there is so much blood on my hands I will n-never be clean.”

Everything is silent for a moment. Then she reaches down. “Give me your hands.” I am frozen for a second and she nods. “Come on.”

I hold up my hands and she grabs onto my wrists. My heart jumps into my throat and I try to pull away, but she doesn’t let go.

“It’s okay. Look,” she says and turns my hands this way and that. “The blood on your hands isn’t physical.”

For a long moment I stare at my hands.

“So, if you were to ask to hold her hand, you won’t dirty hers.”

I can feel the warmth spread across my cheeks. “But I… still cannot even make myself happy. How can I do that for her?”

“Well, you’re doing good so far,” she says.

“Eh?”

She gives me a small smile. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Before you came along, she didn’t smile as much as she does now. She sings more and has more confidence. You’ve already done more for her than you realize.”

For a second, I am stunned. That is really because of me? As I look up at her she smiles, yet my heart still feels torn.

“But I… When I see her, I panic and go the other way.”

“I understand you’re nervous, but you have got to stop trying to fight it. The more you fight the more agony you’ll be in. Imagine your feelings are a river. Right now, you’re trying to swim upstream and the more you fight, the stronger the current is getting. Let the river take you. Let yourself feel. The waters will calm, and you will be able to navigate your feelings better,” she says.

Her words make so much sense. “I understand.”

“Also, don’t worry about fumbling over what you want to tell her. If you’re honest that’s all that counts,” she says, rubbing my back.

Honest…?

Without realizing I am clutching my chest, my heart aching. “Reba… I cannot be honest with her unless I tell her the truth. All of it. I do not want to lie to her. If we became like that and then she finds out about me…” I let out a breath. “I am not the person she thinks I am so it would not work and I… do not want to crush her like that.”

“I’m glad you’re thinking about her feelings on this, but are you sure you’re really doing this out of consideration for her or are you telling yourself this because you are afraid to tell her?”

Her question strikes me, and I am staring at the floor. For a moment I don’t know what to say. “She gives me a smile that makes my heart warm, and she looks at me like I am much more than I am.” My throat tightens. “I cannot lose that. I cannot lose her as my friend.”

She pauses and leans forward. “What if she learns the truth by accident or someone else tells her? Wouldn’t you rather tell her yourself?”

Once again, I am reeling. It is true she could find out in the same way Jeremiah and Nicky did. What if that happens? She is smart so it is possible.

“Listen,” Reba starts. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. All I ask is that you keep an open mind. Don’t let the fear keep you from what is right in front of you.”

She continues, “And I want you to remember, you are not your past Shyba. You aren’t the person you were before you came here.”

Is that really so? Still, I don’t know how exactly to do what she says.

“Go to bed and get some rest now.”

I nod once. “Thank you,” I mutter and return to my room.

However, as I stare up at the ceiling mulling over everything Reba told me I find myself becoming more restless. Even if I accept my feelings and my past, there is no way Kiara could truly be happy with me.

No matter what Reba says if I were to take Kiara’s hand without telling her the truth it would be a lie. I cannot do that to her and if she knew the truth, she could begin to hate me. I would rather have my heart ripped out than lose her friendship.

I curl up, clutching my pillow, the blanket over my head. I know wishing for her to love me while knowing the truth is too much to ask for. But still, I cannot keep my heart from wanting it nor my mind from imagining such a sweet dream.

Kiara—

As I lie here awake, I can’t stop my mind from running. No matter what I do, I can’t figure out why Shyba is suddenly avoiding me so much. I can’t remember anything that would have upset him and even if I did do something why wouldn’t he tell me?

Every time I try to talk to him, I get more frustrated. Why won’t he talk to me about it? Does he still not trust me after all this time? The more I ponder the more my stomach twists and turns. When was the last time we actually had a conversation?

Finally, after lying there for what feels like hours, I decide to go downstairs to warm some milk. As I make my way down, I notice Mama standing at the foot of the stairs, turned toward the kitchen not saying a word. What is going on?

She hears me and looks up, putting her finger to her mouth before waving me over. I nod and as I get closer, I hear water running in the kitchen. I glance over, noticing Shyba at the sink. Something is off. I start toward him, but Mama grabs my hand, stopping me.

I turn back and she pulls me closer. “Shh,” she whispers. “He’s sleepwalking.”

My brows rise. I didn’t even know he did that. “What is he doing?” I whisper.

She pauses for a long moment. “Washing his hands.”

The only sound is the water running as I don’t even know how to respond, my mind going blank.

She keeps her eyes on him. “I have watched him do this countless times since the first week he was here,” she says quietly. “He stands there for several minutes scrubbing his hands and trying to wash that brand off his arm. He didn’t even know he does this until I told him a while ago.”

My chest feels tight, and I stare at the back of his head, a lump forming in the back of my throat. “He… did something really bad, didn’t he?” I whisper. Is this why he’s having trouble talking to me? Why now though?

I feel her start rubbing my back. “He told me in confidence, so I won’t give you details. But I know he isn’t strong enough to tell you right now and he is trying to accept it. Because you care so much for him, I want you to know something.”

She turns me around to face her and looks at me with tender eyes. “Sweetheart, Shyba has a very, very deep wound in his heart. What he went through was incredibly gruesome. Truth be told, I’m still not sure how he made it out with his heart still intact.”

Tears form in my eyes. I knew he had been through something, but if Mama is telling me this then it must have been truly horrific. That mark on his arm, the dragon symbol, what is it? I recall what Jeremiah and Nicky were talking about the other day. What is ‘Red Dragon’? Is it connected to him? The mark… His eyes… It has to be. But what does it mean?

Everything becomes silent, the water having been turned off. I turn back and watch as he silently dries his hands then he starts toward the stairs. As he approaches, I notice his eyes half open, unseeing, and distant. He stops before me, unmoving.

Everything remains silent as I try to wrap my head around what I’m seeing. My heart clenches and he slowly heads up the stairs, not saying a word. Everything is so quiet I can hear as he closes the door to his room. With my heart pounding, I turn to Mama.

“What can I do?” I ask. “I want to help him, but he won’t talk to me.”

She looks at me with a gentle gaze. “Give him time. He’s experiencing a lot of new things and it’s scaring him. Just keep being yourself, okay?”

I stare down at the floor and nod. Still, there has to be something else I can do. How do I ease his fear?

Shyba—

After breakfast, the twins are in the living room watching a movie and coloring in the books I had given them. I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to be carefree like them.

As I start the water in the sink, I push up my sleeves, catching sight of the disgusting mark across my arm. I quickly look away before starting the dishes. Then I hear Reba hurrying down the hall, grabbing her purse and keys.

“Shyba, I’m so sorry to dump this on you, but do you mind watching the girls until Kiara gets back from town? There’s an emergency at the clinic and I have to go right now,” she says quickly.

“I do not mind,” I tell her.

“Thank you so much,” she says, and turns to them. “Shyba’s in charge so you both listen to him.” Then she hurries out the door. “I’ll make it up to you Shyba!”

The house is then filled with music from the television and the girls singing along to their movie, a sound I have become accustomed to. Before long, I finish the dishes and go over to check on them.

As I approach, Jade pops her head over the couch. “I want juice!”

“Me too!” Harmony’s voice carries.

“Okay,” I mutter and go to get their cups.

I do my best to make sure they each get equal amounts, knowing if not they will argue. I take their cups to them, before pouring myself a cup and going to sit with them. I find myself becoming engrossed in the animated movie they are watching, having nothing else to do.

As I take a drink, I hear Jade’s voice saying, “Do you like Kiara?”

I choke, nearly spewing juice everywhere. As I try to catch my breath, I look over to her. “N-nani?” I cough again. “Why do you ask?”

“‘Cause she likes you,” she states, not looking up from her coloring. What is this child saying?

Harmony looks up at me. “Uh-huh!”

My mind reels. If these two and Reba are saying so, then perhaps it really is true? My heart clenches. Even if that is the case it’s not like I can do anything about it. Still, questions burn at my insides.

“How do you know this?” I ask and glance away. “Did she… tell you?”

“No,” Jade says, picking up her juice and taking a drink. “But when she looks at you, she gets all happy and giggles a lot. And she draws hearts on the cheese in your sandwiches.”

Flames rise in my cheeks. Is this true? How long has she done this?

Harmony chimes in, “She looks at your butt too.”

“Ehhh?” My voice rises along with my heart rate.

Jade laughs. “I know! She’s so weird!”

I turn away, trying to steady my racing heart. Great, now I am only going to be more self-conscious!

“You like her too, right?” Harmony asks, leaning toward me. “‘Cause you get all happy and stuff too when she’s with you.”

“Are you going to ask her on a date? Do you want to be her boyfriend?” Jade continues.

Why are they suddenly so interested about this? “No,” I tell them.

“Why not?” they whine.

Keeping my gaze down I utter out, “It is… complicated.”

Jade throws her arms out across the table. “What’s so complicated about it? You like each other so just be together!”

“Yeah!” Harmony cheers.

“You would not understand,” I tell them. If only it were as simple as that.

Jade lets out an exasperated sigh as she looks to her sister, shrugging. “Teenagers.”

My heart is heavy. If only this was simply a ‘teenage’ problem. Sometimes I forget I am still high school age. What I would not give just to be a normal teenager, with normal problems. Things would be so much simpler. I can wish all I want though. No matter what, I am still a criminal. Despite what Reba says, I am nowhere close to being the kind of person Kiara deserves.

“Well, if it’s so complicated, I could tell her for you,” Jade says.

My heart jumps through the roof. “No!” I quickly say. “Do not tell Kiara anything!”

She pouts then looks to Harmony. Then they both grin and look back at me with big eyes. “If you let us play with your hair we won’t,” Jade says as Harmony giggles.

As I stare at them, I can feel my stomach churn and shoulders deflate, defeated. What have I gotten myself into? Why can things not be the same as before?