39: Confession

Kiara—

As I trudge up the steps with grocery bags in tow, I can hear the twins laughing along with Shyba’s voice. My heart squeezes and I find myself standing before the door, just staring at it. All day I kept thinking about what I saw last night, and the same question keeps running through my mind.

What did he do?

I can’t help but wonder if that’s what is driving him away from me. Perhaps if I learn more about it, he will feel more at ease around me. I’m just not sure how to go about it. If it’s something he’s not open to talking about, then it must really be bad, right?

With a deep breath I open the door and walk in. The girls are hovering over Shyba, giggling and muttering amongst themselves.

I gasp, dropping the bags. “Girls!”

They stop what they were doing and look up. “He said we could!” Jade testifies.

As I approach, I see they have covered his hair in different barrettes and clips, along with braiding it in random areas. I can only imagine how much they’ve tangled it. He glances at me before looking away again, his face red. Great, now he’s embarrassed.

“Even if that’s the case, you shouldn’t have done all this at once,” I mutter. “This is going to take forever to detangle.”

“That sounds boring,” Jade says before she and Harmony run off to their room.

“Hey!” I shout. “Ugh, those two.”

My eyes dart back down, looking over the bird nest they’ve created on his head. “Hang on, I’ll be right back,” I tell him before I run up to my room, grabbing my comb and detangling spray.

Then I sit on the couch behind him, pulling out the barrettes first. “You can tell them ‘no’, you know,” I tell him.

He pauses. “They looked at me with puppy eyes.”

I sigh. “You’re such a pushover,” I mutter as I start spraying his hair.

“Am I?”

“Yeah, you could stand to put your foot down sometimes.”

“Put my… foot down?”

“You know, like stand your ground,” I mutter. How else do I explain this? “And… it might be good for you to be more forward too… a little.”

My heart twinges. What am I saying?

“Forward?” he asks.

“Well, like with what you want to say and stuff. You don’t really take much initiative. You can say what you want you know.” I’m digging myself deeper and deeper. Why can’t I stop?

Everything remains silent as I comb through his hair as gently as possible, though hitting a few knots. My chest feels warm, and I realize I had never been so close to him before. Usually, I do my best not to touch him. Then again, he probably realizes he doesn’t have much choice.

Still, I want to be closer to him. I can’t believe how tempted I am just to put my arms around him. What can I do to make him notice me?

“Kiara,” he mutters.

“Hm?”

“Ah…” He pauses for a long moment. “What do you see when you look at me?”

There is so much I want to tell him, but I’m not sure he is ready. “Well, I see you. My best friend.”

He stays quiet the rest of the time as I comb my fingers through, making sure there are no more tangles. “Your hair is really soft, you know?” I mutter. “I think it’s actually softer than mine.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of jealous. Have you ever thought about wearing it up in a ponytail? I think it would look good on you like that,” I say. “And it would keep it out of the way. Would you like me to show you?”

He pauses again. “Maybe another time.”

“Okay,” I mutter.

“Is it fixed?”

“Oh. Yeah, all good,” I say, pulling away and gather my things.

He stands. “Thank you.”

I put on my best smile. “No problem. Anytime.”

Then he leaves, not even looking my direction. For a while I sit there, feeling restless. Why did he ask me that? What should I have said?

After putting the groceries up, Jeremiah’s truck pulls in the driveway. My mind drifts back to the time I overheard him and Nicky talking about “Red Dragon”, how freaked out they got when I asked about it. I can’t help but feel it’s connected to Shyba, which means they know something about his past. Am I the only one that doesn’t know?

Quickly, I head out. If I’m going to be of any help to Shyba, I need to know the truth. Jeremiah disappears into the barn, and I hurry over. This is my chance while Shyba is upstairs.

I go in, closing the door behind me. “Jer, I need to talk to you.”

He turns, his gaze quizzical. “What’s up?”

“I…” I take a deep breath and go over to him, my stomach in knots. “What do you know about Shyba’s past? What… what is ‘Red Dragon’?”

His eyes widen and he stares at me, not saying a word. I knew it.

I press on, “I have to know. He keeps skirting around me and will hardly talk to me anymore. I know it’s because this is weighing on his mind. If I can find out the truth, then he’ll know it’s okay and he can trust me!”

“Can he really trust you if you’re going behind his back like this?” he asks.

My heart drops to the floor and I stare at him, a lump in my throat forming.

“Listen,” he starts, “it’s not my secret to share and frankly I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Is it really that bad? Tears well up, my throat aching.

“The reason he hasn’t told you is because he trusts you the most. You don’t realize just how much…” He pauses, taking a deep breath. Then he comes over, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Just be patient and stay by his side. He’ll come around.”

I choke the tears back. “I just want to help.”

“Just do what you already have been,” he tells me. “And one more thing.”

He lowers his head, staring me right in the eye. “Don’t mention ‘Red Dragon’ around anyone. Ever. It’s dangerous.”

For a moment I’m stunned. “Okay…” What do I do now?

Shyba—

As I sit on my bed in silence my heart will not stop pounding. My mind won’t stop replaying how Kiara brushed her fingers through my hair, how soothing yet exhilarating it was. All I could think of was how much I didn’t want her to stop.

My body slumps over onto my pillow, slightly damp hair falling onto my face. A sweet floral vanilla scent lingers, making my heart throb. Oh wow, it even smells like her. My face heats up more and more. How can this simply be a crush? It’s more like I went and fell head over heels, not realizing I was falling until I hit the ground face first.

What do I do? Something has to give sooner or later. Why am I still so afraid? I know I have to tell her the truth, but how? But do I really have to? If what Reba says is true, that I need to let go of my past, then could I just forget it? She said I am not the person I was before. If that is true then I would not be lying to Kiara about myself, right?

My heart clenches. How am I so torn about this? I want to do the right thing, but what exactly is it? So many questions pile up I can feel myself spiraling down, circling back and forth. Before I realize it there is a knock on the door.

“Hey, supper’s ready,” Jeremiah calls through the door.

I jolt up. How long have I been lying here? “I will be there.”

His footsteps linger away as I steady my mind. I quickly head downstairs and before long everyone is eating dinner, talking about trivial topics like usual. Kiara shifts next to me as she reaches out for her water, only to tip it over and send it spilling toward me.

My heart leaps, my reflexes reacting before I can think as an echo of gasps surround the table. I catch it before much is spilled, though some of it did splash onto the table and my hand.

“Nice catch,” Jer says as I let out my held breath.

“I-I’m sorry! I’m so sorry Shyba,” Kiara says, reaching for the glass. Her reaction is puzzling. Normally she just laughs it off when she spills things and says, “Oops, my bad”.

Her fingers brush against mine and suddenly it is like every nerve is on end causing me to freeze, my heart pounding. She quickly pulls back, gasping also.

“S-sorry,” she mutters again, lowering her head. “Sorry…”

I set the glass down and glance over as she busies herself with soaking the water up. Why does she look so upset? She looks near to tears.

“Ah, it is okay. It is only water,” I say, wiping my hand with a napkin.

She remains silent and even during the rest of the meal hardly says a word, only to be the first to leave having hardly ate half her meal. What could be making her upset? Was it me? I know I have been distant, but earlier today she seemed okay. She even gave me advice.

Right, she told me I should be more “forward”. Maybe she wanted me to do so while we were talking earlier? What does she want me to do exactly? I wish I knew more about girls. Then I would know what to do, right?

As I go to take a shower my mind continues going in circles, doing back flips and kart-wheels. Perhaps she is upset because I waited too long to approach her. Is it too late? Maybe I can still fix this. I just have to put my foot down like she said. I need to be more forward and tell her my feelings!

By the time I am through with my shower I have rehearsed what I am going to tell her several times in my head. My adrenaline pumps. I need to go to her before I lose my nerve. I am a different person, right? No more being a coward!

I quickly throw my clothes on and go out into the hallway. Before I realize it, I am standing before Kiara’s door. With my eyes on the floor, I take a deep breath and raise my hand to knock, only to freeze, my heart pounding out of my chest. Just do it. Why am I stalling?

The light is out from beneath the door. For a second, I remain frozen before lowering my hand. She is probably outside at our usual spot. My heart continues racing. What am I still so afraid of? I know she likes me. Still, would it be right to tell her about my feelings without telling her the rest of the truth?

For a moment I continue to ponder, my heart aching. Can’t I just pretend to be a normal teenager for once? I know I will never get to experience many things like a normal teenage boy, but can I just have this one thing? To just simply be a boy in love with an amazing and beautiful girl?

Clenching my fists, I leave toward the stairs. Just one date. That is all I will ask of her. Then I will tell her the truth about me. I know there is no escaping it, so even if it is selfish, I just want one day to simply be Shyba who loves Kiara.

As I go out, I see her sitting at the picnic table again. The moonlight shines against her hair, the scene having me nearly in a trance. I can feel my hand shaking slightly, my heart still racing. I can do this. Just talk to her like normal.

She looks up as I approach, and her eyes widen. “O-oh Shyba! Um…” She averts her gaze and for a moment everything is silent.

I clench my fists. It’s now or never. Just say it!

“A-ah, I ah…” I swallow. “I want to talk to you about something.”

She looks up at me and suddenly tears are in her eyes. “You don’t have to tell me anything about Red Dragon! A-and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for betraying you like that. I shouldn’t have ever tried to ask someone else about something you’re not comfortable sharing with me.”

Hearing her say that name suddenly has me feeling like I am far away. I can’t breathe. What is she talking about? Where did she hear about it? My heart pounds in my ears, my stomach tight.

“I-I just wanted to know what was bothering you recently so I c-could help! I didn’t mean to go behind your back like that!” she cries. “Please don’t hate me!”

Once again, I am at a loss for words. She is asking me of all people not to hate her? I should be the one begging here. I can feel the heat in my eyes. Dammit. Of course. This is why she was acting so strangely.

For a moment all is silent. “What do you know of Red Dragon?” I ask, my voice sounding hollow.

“I just overheard Nicky and Jer talk about it a bit, but I don’t really know anything. I didn’t really know what they meant at first, but with how you’ve been acting and the brand on your arm… I just kind of put it together,” she says.

Letting out a deep breath, I shove my hands into my jacket pockets. “What do you think it means?” I ask, curious to know what she would come up with on her own.

She is silent for a moment, staring at me. “It’s a gang, right? Or mafia?” she asks slowly. “Or I guess where you’re from… Yakuza?”

As if on autopilot, I sit next to her on the tabletop and stare at the grass in front of me. For a long moment, it’s like I cannot find the words. “It would be easier if it was Yakuza.”

She turns toward me. “Shyba, really. I mean it when I say you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel like I pushed you into it.”

I shake my head. “No, I…” I take a deep breath. “Everyone else knows, so it is right you know too. I have been trying to gain the courage to tell you. But I…”

My throat is already starting to clench up. “I am tired of being afraid of it, of trying to hide it and worrying about what you will think of me. I keep trying to prepare myself for it.”

I pause and look up at her. “But I will never be ready for you to know this… And so I want you to hear it from me instead of someone else. Because I… I-I trust you… A-and I want you to know that you can trust me too. But that can never happen unless I am honest with you.”

My fists clench inside my pockets. “But I first need to know that you understand how dangerous this is. It is not something that can be talked about away from home or around anyone other than Reba, Jeremiah, and Nicky. It is… If anyone else finds out I will not be able to stay here anymore. And it is… a lot to know and will be hard for you to hear. Are you still okay to know the truth about me?”

She stares at me with arched brows and a slightly quivering lip, wringing her hands in her lap. “I-I want to know,” she mutters. “I mean, of course there is some selfish curiosity, but I want you to know… Shyba I just want to help in some way. I-I know you’ve been struggling a lot, and I want to be there for you, like you have for me. So please… You can confide in me, and I promise it won’t leave this place. And I’ll do everything I can to help you even if all I can do is sit here and listen.”

Somehow, her words give me a breath of courage. I straighten my back a little and fold my hands in my lap, letting out my held breath. “Okay…”

This is it. I could lose her here and I will never be able to take it back. I will never get to have that single day of letting myself just be a lovestruck boy. I am not a normal guy anyway, so why should I get to pretend to be even just for a moment? Not with the sins I have committed. Not with how utterly broken I am.

“Kiara,” my voice wavers, my eyes back to the ground. “It is not a gang or Yakuza. ‘Red Dragon’ is an assassin known for countless murders… A-and it was the name given to only me. I…”

I look up at her and the words stick in my throat, “I am… Red Dragon.”