36: Feelings

With a smile Reba starts our weekly discussion. “How are things today?”

“Okay,” I tell her, my chest tight, my eyes darting across her bookshelf and over her desk.

She pauses. “I noticed dark circles beneath your eyes lately. Are you having trouble sleeping?”

For a moment I am silent before nodding. “I always have trouble sleeping but…”

“What is different here recently?” she asks.

My eyes land on the floor. “I have bad dreams.”

“Are there any you feel comfortable sharing with me?” she asks.

For a moment I am unsure what to even tell her to satisfy her question. “I am… alone in a dark place. There is a mirror and I look at it. I see me… but it changes to a monster. I run and it chases me. There is a door… But I never reach it.”

She is quiet for a moment. “Do you have this nightmare often?”

“It is every month.”

“Interesting… Does the monster ever catch you?”

“It always ends when it grabs me.”

She mulls it over for a moment. “Do you remember when you started having that nightmare?”

I pause. “After I was here.”

She takes a sip of her tea. “Hmm. Have you considered why you might be having it?”

“I do not know,” I mutter.

She is silent for a long moment. “Perhaps you think of yourself as a monster… so when you look in that mirror that is what you see. I wonder though. What is it you’re afraid of?”

I remain silent, unable to come up with the words.

As she leans forward, she lets out a slow breath. “You’ve been here several months now. I just want you to know you’re safe here,” she says, her voice soft.

My eyes remain on the floor. That may be true, but at the same time the crimes I committed still haunt me. I don’t know what to do about it though. There is nothing at all that can fix what I’ve done. Nothing at all can make things right.

“How is everything besides your nightmares?” she asks. “Kiara mentioned you have seemed off the past couple weeks.”

My heart pounds. What do I say? How do I tell Reba I have feelings for Kiara? I still don’t understand how it happened.

“Ah… I…” My eyes dart up to her.

She notices my uneasiness and raises a brow. “Did something happen?”

I suddenly get that feeling of wanting to run, but clench my fists, my feet planted on the floor. Reba will understand. She can help me.

“I… I-I think I like her,” I mutter, lowering my head. “Different than before. I realized it and I thought if I stayed away from her it will stop, but it is still there.”

For a moment I am silent, before looking up at her. “I do not know what to do. I-I am sorry Reba. I did not mean for this to happen. I did not think I could feel this. I… did not notice until it was already there.”

“Sorry for what?” she asks. “It’s okay if you have feelings for her.”

My eyes are wide as I stare at her. “You are not angry?”

Her brows arch as she smiles. “Why would I be?”

“She is your daughter… I thought you will be upset that someone like me has these feelings for her.”

“Someone like you?”

“I am not good for her,” I tell her and before I realize it my hand is over the brand on my arm. “Is there a way to make this go away? Can you help me stop it?”

She gets up and comes over to kneel before me. “Shyba, you’re the type of person that feels things deeply. When you cherish something or when you feel bad about something you feel it with your whole being. So, I know these feelings you’re having are genuine. And I’m sorry, but there isn’t a way to make things like this just go away.”

The ache in my heart only seems to increase. “I cannot face her. When I am with her, I get nervous… and my heart hurts.”

“Do you know why your heart hurts like that?” she asks.

For a long moment I stare at the floor, and it feels like my heart is tearing in two. “Because I cannot be with her.”

“Are you sure about that? What about what Kiara might be feeling?”

My mind reels. “She could not feel this way about me.”

“Shyba, sweetheart, how can someone so smart be so dense?” she asks, ruffling my hair. “Have you not seen the way she looks at you?”

I stare at her, unable to believe what I am hearing. That cannot be. Why would Kiara ever look at me like this?

“Pay attention and you’ll see,” she tells me. “And whatever you decide, I want you to know I will support you. I know love is sometimes downright terrifying, especially when you are still learning how to love yourself, but I think the two of you are good for each other. Every time I see the two of you together you are both happy. You bring out a light in each other that only you both can find.”

She continues, “All I ask is that you don’t rush into things and whatever you both decide, whether it’s to be friends or something else that is up to the two of you. I can only offer advice. But sweetie, I want you to think about what the future can hold for you and that does include romance if you want it.”

She smiles. “All I want is for my kids to be happy and I know you can do that. It’s okay to want to be happy Shyba. You are both adults, who are allowed to make adult decisions. You have the authority over what you choose to do, not me. And you’re allowed to have these feelings. And no matter what, if you have any questions you can come to me. And I do mean about anything.”

For a long moment I am silent, still staring, going through her words over and over in my mind. “I do not know what to do,” I murmur.

“Hmm. If you want to test the waters perhaps ask her on a date,” she says.

“D-date?”

“Yes, that way you can both see how you feel about it. Then if you want to, go on another date and so on. Or if not then you both know,” she says.

“I do not know how to date,” I tell her. “What do I do?”

“Well, the fair will be here soon,” she says, giving me a wink. “The worst that happens is she says ‘no’, though I doubt she will.”

For a moment, I ponder. What she says makes sense. Perhaps even just one date could quell the feelings I have for her and then this whole mess can be over. All I have to do is ask.

I nod. “Thank you for your advice.”

She smiles. “Anytime sweetie.”

Everyone has congregated around the picnic table underneath the apricot trees which are still not ready to bud yet. Jeremiah notices me and waves me over.

“Hey, lunch is ready! We made sandwiches,” he says.

As I approach, I notice several sandwiches and drinks, along with some fruits. Kiara hands me a plate. “This one’s yours. Turkey and cheddar with mayo, just how you like it,” she says.

“Thank you,” I mutter, taking the plate and quickly sit without looking at her. “I brushed Stormy and Sugar and cleaned their pins this morning. Is there anything else right now?”

Jeremiah lets out a deep sigh, putting the sandwich back down that was halfway to his mouth. “Dude, just take a break. You always ask for more stuff to do and then we can hardly get you to relax. I admire the work ethic, but man you tire me out just by watching you.”

“Maybe you could learn a thing or two,” Nicky says dryly, Jeremiah shooting him a glare.

“I want to be useful,” I tell him.

Kiara giggles, the sound making me feel restless. “You do plenty Shyba. Don’t worry about that.”

I glance down, taking a bite of my sandwich. After we eat Kiara returns to the house and the rest of us head back into the barn. Jeremiah stops and turns around, glancing at me.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Eh?”

“I’ve known you long enough to know when something is on your mind,” he tells me.

“Ah…” I feel my stomach tightening. Would it be a good idea to ask them about this? Perhaps getting a second opinion is good though. I clear my throat. “I was wondering… h-how to ask for a date…”

His eyes widen a bit. “What brought this on all of a sudden?”

I feel the heat rush to my face and my heart pounds once again. How do people survive this type of thing? I almost feel as though I am going into cardiac arrest.

Nicky hoists himself up onto the workbench and grins. “Obviously, he wants to ask a certain someone out.”

Jeremiah lets out an exasperated sigh, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket and slaps a twenty into Nicky’s open palm. Nicky chuckles, sliding the bill into his pocket.

“You knew?” I mutter, feeling as if my knees are about to give out on me.

Jeremiah turns back to me. “Dude, I hate to break it to you, but when it comes to Kiara, you’re like a different person. Or you’re more like you.” He scratches his neck. “I’m not explaining this very good.”

“You’re more yourself when you’re with her and you’re happier, is what he’s trying to say,” Nicky tells me.

I glance down. “I see. How did I not notice this sooner?”

They look at each other, before Jeremiah looks back at me. “Well, you don’t have any experience with this sort of thing considering your previous um… predicament.”

“Wow, that was a big word Jer,” Nicky states, getting a middle finger from Jeremiah.

“Anyway,” Jer says, “so you want to ask her out?”

“Reba said that maybe we go on a d-date and see how we feel,” I mutter. “If I do that then maybe the feelings will go away. Th-they will, right?”

Their gazes become quizzical. “Go away?” Nicky asks.

“I cannot be with her,” I tell them.

“Why?” Jeremiah asks, thrusting his hands out.

I stare down at the ground, clutching at my brand again. “You know why.”

Everything is silent for a moment before Nicky jumps down and comes to stand before me. “Where are you right now?”

“Eh?” I stare at him like he spoke in some strange language. He motions around us, and I glance around only becoming more confused. “We are in the barn.”

“Where?” he asks.

I look back to him. “In… California?”

He nods. “Right,” he states. “Do you see the Domain anywhere?”

“No…” I mutter, my heart fluttering as my chest clenches. “I understand what you say… but I… No matter where I go, I still have blood on my hands.”

As he lets out a breath, he reaches up to place his hand on my shoulder. “I know what you’ve been through will always be over your head, but if you let yourself stay in the past it will consume you. There will be no future and you will miss every good opportunity that comes your way, even love. You may not be able to let it all go, but you have to stop trying to punish yourself. That accomplishes nothing.”

I nod slowly. What he says is true. “But I… do not know what to do. I never knew I could feel this way.”

“Bro, all you gotta do is walk up—” Jeremiah says, walking up to Nicky “—take Kiara by the hand—” he takes Nicky’s hand and leans in “—and say, ‘I like you. Please go out with me.’.”

Nicky rolls his eyes. “In your dreams.”

“I knew you were cheating on me!” we all hear from behind.

I whirl around, seeing Macy standing in the doorway, hands on her hips.

“My love, I did not mean for you to see this!” Jeremiah shouts, falling to his knees. “He seduced me!”

“He was the one trying to seduce me!” Nicky gripes. “And not very well! I’m surprised you ever agreed to go out with this idiot!”

Everyone bursts into laughter, while I still try to calm my anxious heart. Jeremiah hurries over to Macy, taking her into his arms and kissing her cheek. He looks so much different, but still the same. I suppose this is what he was trying to describe to me. Is this really how I seem to everyone when it comes to Kiara? The thought makes my heart ache.

“So, what was really going on?” she asks.

“Oh, Shyba wanted to know how to ask a girl out,” Jer says, sending my heart through the roof.

Her eyes light up and she gasps, pushing him out of the way to come face-to-face with me. “Don’t take any advice from them! You need a girl’s point of view! Have you thought of where you would like to take sweet little Kiara?”

My heart falls to the ground. Everyone really does know. Am I really such an open book?

I clear my throat. “Ah… I heard there will be a fair. I do not know much about it, but it seems like it will be fun.”

She claps her hands together. “Oh! That’s perfect! Fairs are great for first dates.” She props her arm on my shoulder, my muscles tensing. “Now the thing about fairs is they can be kind of expensive once you buy tickets and there’s also tons of fried foods that are amazing, but since you’ll be on a date try not to eat anything sticky. And there are tons of fun rides to go on together.”

It sounds a lot like some of the festivals in Japan, only there were not any rides like she says. However, my original question still has not been answered. “How do I ask her?”

Macy giggles. “Just ask silly.”

I nod once, still unsure as to what to do. My heart continues to flutter, as I know it will stay for who knows how long. Still though, how do I even go about asking Kiara to a date of all things? If what Reba said is true and she does have the same feelings for me, then it should not be difficult.

Then again, should I really let this happen? If she does feel the same way, how do I know? If after this date, my feelings do not go away, how do I go about continuing to live here with her? My mind continues to go in circles, unable to find an answer.

Jeremiah—

Later, after Macy leaves and Shyba heads into the house Nicky and I are left to give the animals their supper.

“So, you’re okay with this?” he asks me. “The two of them I mean.”

“Well, they’re good together,” I say. “Of course, I wish circumstances were better but he’s not bad. Honestly, the guy has so much anxiety I don’t know if he will even ask. At least not for a while.”

He nods slowly. “Still, I can’t help but wonder what’s gonna happen. If they get serious, do you think he’ll tell her?”

“I don’t know. It’s not exactly something you just bring up.”

“Yeah, but him telling her would be better than her finding out on her own like we did. I mean, you remember how freaked out I was when I first found out about Red Dragon.”

“What’s Red Dragon?” I hear from behind.

My heart leaps through the roof and I spin around to see Kiara there holding a bowl of old vegetables. Shit. “What? Oh, that. It’s a, uh, new video game coming out! Nicky’s just telling me how excited he was when he saw the trailer for it!”

“Y-yeah! It’s totally awesome,” Nicky chimes in.

She raises her brow. “Okay.” I don’t think she really bought it.

“Anyway, did you see Shyba?” I ask, wondering if he said anything to her yet.

She walks by me to the chicken coop. “In the kitchen. Would you mind asking him what the deal is for me? He keeps skirting around me.”

“Oh…” I mutter. Wow, he really is freaking out about this. “Well, why don’t you ask him?”

“I did, but he keeps making excuses and running away,” she grumbles, a tomato splatting on the ground as she throws it.

I sigh. “Okay.”

What is holding him back? I understand he’s afraid, but damn. Perhaps he needs a little push.