35: Run

Shyba—

My eyes rove over the aisles of accessory racks, darting between hairpins and other jewelry. The time ticks by as I keep searching, becoming anxious as I don’t find what I’m looking for. I groan, rubbing my head as I try to think. It doesn’t help that I’m pressed for time. If only I knew about this sooner!

After scanning my surroundings again, my eyes are drawn to a lilac color. I hurry over, finding a wool scarf with crochet flowers of other pastel colors. Would this be good enough? I pick it up, examining it, feeling its softness. It will have to do. It matches the colors in her room, so I know she would at least like that aspect. With a sigh, I take it to the checkout counter.

Once purchased, I quickly make my way down the street, the cold air biting at my cheeks and my breath pouring out like fog. There is still some snow on the ground, but most of it has been trekked through already. I get to Miss Patty’s in time to see Kiara coming out the doors. A flash of insight causes me to stop in my tracks. Crap! I forgot a gift bag!

With slumped shoulders, I head over. I guess it will be fine this way. She smiles as she spots me and hurries to meet me. A light feeling washes over my body. She always seems so happy to see me.

She bounces on her toes. “Have you seen the fountain in the park yet? It always looks so pretty when it’s frozen.” I shake my head and she balls her hands in front of her chest. “Let’s go! I want to see what you think.”

Just like that, she is whisking me away on a little adventure once again. Though I don’t mind. It is never a dull moment with her. As we walk, she tells me about the fabrics she bought and her plans. It never fails to amaze me how she can look at a sheet of fabric, see its potential, then turn it into whatever she desires.

We get to the fountain, and she gasps, running over to gaze at the water that is suspended in time. I watch her eyes roving over it, how her lips curl into a smile. Her cheeks are red from the cold and her breath comes out in puffs. Then she looks to me and her crystal blue eyes meeting my blood red gaze makes my eyes dart away.

My chest does that weird fluttery thing again, and my face is warm. It has been happening more frequently now. I really must be sick if that’s the case. I should ask Reba to check when we get home.

“What do you think?” Kiara’s voice chimes.

I glance over the fountain once again, remembering that was the whole purpose of us coming here. “It is pretty,” I tell her.

Then I glance over where the winter garden has beautiful blossoms blooming. They must be resilient flowers to bloom in the dead of winter. I turn to Kiara to see her pulling at her jacket, tightening the collar around her exposed neck. Without another thought I reach into my bag and pull out the scarf. With both hands, I offer it to her.

“Ah… Ha-happy birthday,” I stammer, my heart quivering again. “I-I only found out yesterday, so I did not have time to buy a proper gift.” It didn’t help that it has only been a couple weeks since Christmas.

There are sparkles in her eyes as she takes the scarf with both hands. “Oh wow! This is so pretty!” she says and gives me a soft look, smiling ear to ear. “You didn’t have to worry about it. But thank you. I’m really happy.”

Her words make me feel like the ground left my feet, my body floating leisurely. I nod once. “Mm.”

She quickly wraps it around her neck, beaming up at me. “How does it look?”

I can’t stop the smile that breaks onto my face. “It looks good.” Then I notice the price tag still on it. “Ah. The tag.” I’m such a lousy gift-giver!

She glances down and I reach over to pull it off. Her hand brushes up against mine, causing me to freeze and she gasps. “Sorry! I didn’t realize you were reaching for it too,” she says.

“I-it is okay,” I mutter, going about removing the tag.

Though my heart is pounding again. I suppose the shock made whatever this ailment is act up. Now my hand is kind of tingling too. Maybe all the years of stress are catching up to me.

Once removed, I stuff it and the bag into my jacket pocket. As I look up, she has her phone up, trying to find a good angle for a picture. She likes it enough that she wants to take photos. I smile. Looks like I chose the right gift.

I glance back over to the flowers. “I can take a picture for you over there,” I mutter, pulling my phone out.

“Oh, great idea!”

She hurries over and we laugh and joke as she poses this way and that. Once I’ve gotten a few photos she comes close enough that I can feel her warmth as she looks them over, picking out the ones that she likes so I can send them to her. The cold air makes me want to move closer.

Now that I think about it, her hand was cold when I felt it earlier. She brings her hands up to cup around her mouth, breathing into them for warmth. What would it feel like if I held it? Maybe I could just reach out. I could just reach up and grasp her hands in mine. I could keep her warm. If I got closer, would she push me away?

An ache spreads through my chest and my face is hot. What the hell am I thinking? That’s the sort of thing only lovers do. Why am I even entertaining such an idea? Ideas like this… Feelings like this… They are only for…

As she leads me back to the car, my eyes are trained on the back of her head, my chest tight, my breath short. She hums as she strokes her scarf, slightly bouncing with her steps, happy as can be. This ache remains seated in my chest, what I thought was a sickness… This whole time…

I slow to a stop, watching her continue forward, not yet realizing I’ve stopped walking with her. My throat is tight, my hands shaking. The thought forms before I can stop it.

I’ve fallen in love with you, haven’t I?

I have this overwhelming urge to just run. Run as far as I can. Don’t think. Don’t acknowledge it. I can’t. Just run.

“I-I forgot,” I stammer. “I-I have to meet Nicky at his place for games.”

“No problem-o. I can drop you off,” she says, spinning around.

I quickly shake my head, turning on my heels. “I-I will walk!” Then I am running down the sidewalk.

“O-oh. Okay…” she mutters.

I make my way back through the park, my lungs aching from taking in the cold air. I don’t even know where I’m going. I just have to get away. I have to regain my thoughts and composure. I need to figure this out.

Gasping, my body collapses by the flower garden. I stare at a little budding plant poking up through the snow before me. Something so fragile having braved the cold and ice and forced its way into the world. Despite every obstacle that stood in its way, it’s here. Small and slowly growing, surely to become mature if given the right conditions.

How did this even happen? How did Kiara find her way so far into my darkness that she reached a part of me that I never knew existed? When did this happen? Heat fills my eyes as I gasp for breath, gazing at the bud. I slowly buckle over, swallowing over the lump in my throat.

“Don’t. Please. I-I… I can’t.”

I got too comfortable. This family has done more than enough, more than I could have asked. They’ve taken me in as their own. How could I overstep my bounds like this? How dare I impose myself in such a way! How dare I entertain the idea even in the slightest!

I clutch at my chest, the gentle warm ache now like a knife sawing away at me. I have to bury it. Bury it all. For her sake, I’ll lock it away. I’ll bury it so deep it won’t see the light ever again. Just to be safe, I’ll distance myself from her until it passes. Surely, it won’t take long. For her sake, I’ll kill these feelings.

After I’ve regained my composure, I call Nicky before heading over to his place. He welcomes me and we start playing video games.

“So… You okay?” he mutters. “You don’t really initiate coming over, especially without Jer. Is something wrong?”

Right, it probably does seem suspicious. “I just want to play games,” I mutter, trying not to think.

He shrugs. “Okay then. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

For a moment, I ponder it. But I fear the more I acknowledge it, the less control I will have over it.

“Thank you. I am fine,” I say, keeping my eyes on the screen.

I have to flip that switch, turn off my feelings. If I have to numb myself again, I’ll do so.

Dinner is comprised of Kiara’s favorite foods to celebrate her birthday and we all share a cake with ‘18’ elegantly written atop. She makes her wish and I do my best to keep distance between us.

As I am washing dishes, she comes up to me and it takes everything I have to keep my eyes down. “Want to watch a movie with me? I can make popcorn while you finish up,” she chimes.

I open my mouth to refuse but catch myself. How could I refuse her simple request when it’s her birthday of all days? It shouldn’t be a big deal if it’s just a movie and it would be cruel to deny her today… right? I simply nod and she excitedly goes to prepare popcorn.

Throughout the movie I keep my eyes to the screen. We sit on the couch, the bowl between us already half-way empty. Jade and Harmony are on the floor in front of us, captivated by the story playing out before us of a girl with outrageously long hair going on an adventure with a thief. As they start developing a romance, I become restless, watching them become closer.

By the end of the movie, my hands ache from clenching so hard as I tried to keep from thinking too much. I hear a sniffle and my eyes are on Kiara’s face before I can stop them. Tears glisten in her eyes, rolling down her lightly freckled cheeks.

“That was such a touching story,” she whimpers. “I’m glad it had a happy ending.”

She sees me and as our eyes meet, I quickly look away. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.

“Did you like it?” she asks.

I nod, if only to please her. “It was good.”

As we clean up and get ready to settle in for the night, she approaches me once more. “Hey Shyba. I um… I noticed you’ve seemed off today. Are you okay?”

The concern in her voice makes my heart quiver. Stop doing that! I nod once. “I am okay.”

“Okay,” she mutters, though she does not seem convinced. “I just thought maybe it was something I did since you ran off earlier. Um… If you need to, you can tell me anything. Okay?”

For a moment I don’t know what to tell her. “Ah… You did nothing wrong. You do not need to worry.”

She shouldn’t have to worry about me at all. This is my problem. I will find a way to fix it.

The nightmare starts off the same as usual; washing my hands, then looking into the mirror, then getting chased by the monster-like mirror version of me. Each time I get a little closer to the door, but it always catches me, and I end up screaming before waking up.

 Yet this time when it grabs me and screams “look at me”, I look up only to find myself suddenly staring at gray clouds. As I gaze out across the perfect white blanket of snow, I feel a sense of longing. I trudge through it as if searching for something, a sense of warmth. My arms are around my body as I shiver, my breath coming out as fog.

Out of the silence I hear a voice and as I turn the snow begins to melt away into a lush green meadow full of white flowers. My eyes rest upon Kiara, crouching over a patch of flowers as she gently speaks to them.

She turns to look at me and smiles, my chest feeling warm. “Okaeri.”

Without a word I go over and kneel next to her. I can’t tear my eyes from her rosy cheeks and sky-blue eyes that look at me with so much light.

I reach over, taking her hand in mine. “Tadaima.”

She blushes and leans into my chest with a sigh. My head is in the clouds as I gaze at her, my heart pounding out of my chest, warmth flooding my body. I lay my head atop hers, my arms around her, as if I never want to let go. As if I am right where I belong.

My eyes shoot open, and I stare at the ceiling, the morning sun just barely peeking through the window. My heart continues to pound, my eyes wide. I sit up slowly and clutch at my aching heart, my eyes damp.

“Stop. Don’t do this to me.”

Translations:

Okaeri – “Welcome home” or “Welcome back”

Tadaima – “I am home.”