25: Healing

Shyba–

Suddenly, I am flying up in my bed, drenched in sweat. For a moment I try to catch my breath, trying to calm my nerves. That same nightmare again, only I can never get to the door. The monster-like mirror version of me always gets to me first.

Yet again, I am unable to rest so I wait for the sun to rise. I get dressed before heading downstairs, seeing Reba and Kiara getting breakfast ready.

“Good morning!” Kiara says.

“Mm,” I mutter, going to get the plates to set out like usual.

Reba stops and comes over to me. “Shyba, you look exhausted,” she says. “Did you not get any sleep again?”

“I am okay,” I mutter.

She gazes at me for a moment. “Well, let me know if there is anything I can do.”

I simply nod, unsure what to say. As we all eat breakfast though I am lost in my head. Ever since I had decided to stay here, or even before that, it is like I have slowly been coming out of a fog. Now that I have been ‘waking up’ I keep realizing more and more the damage I caused. Not to mention these nightmares I keep having.

My stomach tightens more, and I push the thoughts away. Mechanically, I start washing dishes as everyone goes about their business. Reba leaves for work, taking the twins to school as usual. The house is still. Peaceful. This quiet lifestyle is something I never thought I would have. More and more each day I find myself not wanting to leave.

More and more I realize I should not be here. What do I do? I know I should leave, but even thinking of it terrifies me. How can I be so torn? Is this how I am being punished because I am living with a pleasant family?

“Hey, Shyba!” I hear Jeremiah’s voice call out from behind. “You there?”

I suddenly realize I have been staring at the plate in my hand, continuously washing it. I glance up, seeing him looking at me with a brow cocked. “Ah… yes.”

He jabs his thumb back. “When you get finished with that would you come to the barn? We’re trying to clean out some old junk and reorganize. You seem to be pretty good at that so we could really use your help,” he says.

A strange twinge pulls at my heart. “Okay,” I mutter. “I will be there in a minute.”

He nods. “Sure thing.” Then he is out the door.

As I go back to my washing, I try to keep focused. What good am I if I get distracted while I am trying to do my work? Not that it really matters in the end. I know they just leave this to me to keep me busy.

I am not earning my place here at all and yet they act like it is okay. Reba continues giving me an allowance even though I have no idea what to do with it, now having five unopened envelopes. All I am doing is leeching off this family because I have nowhere else to go. How despicable am I?

Jeremiah—

“So, we’re just gonna pull all this stuff out and sort through it as we go?” Nicky asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I mutter, staring at the junk pile that has crowded the entire storage area of the barn, mostly pieces of lumber and other construction bits or furniture. “We’ll toss all the junk we can’t use in my truck, and I’ll haul it off. Oh! Or we could have a bonfire!”

Nicky looks up at it and lets out a sigh. “Most of this was stuff Dad wanted to fix,” he mutters, looking down. “I guess we have to clear it out sooner or later though.”

I pat his shoulder, my heart heavy. “Yeah. He wouldn’t want it to just sit here. And we need the room for the foal that’s coming.”

The barn door creaks, and I turn back to see Shyba coming in. He comes over silently, stopping before me. “What do you want me to do?”

His voice sounds hollow, and his eyes are dark. Not to mention he seemed out of it earlier. Something is off, but I suppose I can ask him about it later once Nicky heads home. If he would even tell me, that is.

“I guess just start picking stuff out of this pile and I’ll tell you if it’s trash or not. Sound good?” I ask.

He simply nods and goes to the pile, starting his chore without a word. There is a heavy feeling in my chest. He seemed like he was starting to open up a little, but now he’s closed off again. I wish I knew what to do. Never thought I’d be faced with rehabilitating an assassin who grew up in a murder cult. Where to even start?

After a couple hours we get everything sorted, taking a quick snack break. The whole time Shyba barely says two words, even while we eat. He looks so down. What would cheer him up?

We head back into the barn, and I glance over at him. “Alright, Shyba. Since you’re good at organizing I’m gonna let you be in charge of this part. Just tell us what to do,” I say.

He stops, staring at the piles before him. “Ah… I…” he starts, drawing into himself.

“C’mon, just like with the fridge and the pantry,” I say.

“And the cupboards,” Nicky adds.

“Yeah, exactly!” I say and grin. “You got this.”

He glances between us, his eyes still downcast. “Mm…” he mutters, his shoulders relaxing a bit. He moves in closer, looking around at the piles. “Ah… We should start with the big pieces.”

Before long he is directing us, and everything is going smoothly. We get things tidied up and arranged quickly. As I stand in the cleared space, I take a deep breath.

“Ahh, this is so much better,” I say, my hands on my hips. “Thanks guys. We did this a lot faster than I thought we would.”

“Does that mean we get a reward?” Nicky asks, dusting his pants off.

I rub my chin. “Hmmm, oh, we should go out for burgers and milkshakes!” I say, getting giddy just thinking about it. “You haven’t tried Bubba’s Burger yet, right Shyba? Aw, this is gonna be great! I’ll pay for you!”

“A-ah, I have money,” he mutters.

“C’mon, don’t worry about it. My treat since it’s your first time,” I say. “And for helping us out.”

He is silent, continuing to stare downward before nodding once. “Okay.”

I fist pump. “Yes! Everyone in the truck in five minutes!”

We run into the house to clean up a bit, Shyba grabbing his shades and me throwing on a fresh t-shirt before heading out. Before long we are all sitting at my favorite bench near the shoreline with a burger in one hand and a milkshake in the other. The sun is starting to get low, but the sky is still nice and blue.

Taking a bite from my burger I glance over as Shyba takes his first bite. His face still shows no emotion.

“You like it?” I ask, mouth half full.

He swallows and nods his head. “Yes. It is good.”

“These are the best burgers so I’m glad you got to try it,” I tell him and stuff my face again.

“Good thing we finished so early so we could get in before it got busy,” Nicky says and takes another bite. “Otherwise, we would have had to wait at least half an hour since it’s so popular.”

I take a swig of my vanilla milkshake. “Yeah, if we didn’t have Shyba, we wouldn’t have gotten everything cleaned up so quickly,” I say and turn to him. “Thanks again man. You really helped a lot.”

He lowers the burger from his mouth, staring out at the water with distant eyes. “Do not praise me,” he mutters.

I pause, my brow rising. “What? Why not?”

He is silent for a second, his head lowering. “I do not deserve it,” he says. “It no longer matters what good I do. Nothing can change what I have done.”

My heart feels twisted, staring at him. “Well… No, but that doesn’t mean the good things you do now are meaningless,” I say.

“But I cannot… do anything,” he mutters, and I can see the agitation in his eyes. “I do not deserve to continue living here.”

“Yeah, you do. Mama gave you her rules and you haven’t broken them, so there’s no reason for you to go,” I tell him. “You don’t have to do anything special. Just take it one day at a time.”

Nicky leans forward, looking across me at him. “You haven’t told her the truth yet, have you?”

Shyba’s shoulders stiffen and his gaze darts away. My stomach tightens as I glance between the two. Is this what’s eating at him?

Nicky stuffs the last of his burger in his mouth before going to stand in front of Shyba. For a moment all is silent and I’m not exactly sure what he plans to do, my heart starting to pound. Shyba keeps his head down, staring at the ground unmoving. Should I intervene?

Nicky breaks the silence. “Why haven’t you told her? Jer even told you to before.”

Shyba draws into himself more and more. “I… tried to. But if I am found and the police learn she knew, she would be arrested for hiding me,” he says quietly.

“Shit, I didn’t even think of that,” I mutter and stiffen. “Does that mean the same thing could happen to us?”

“Act as you do not know,” he says. “I will not tell them.”

Nicky crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes narrowing. “Okay, I’ll admit that’s a good point,” he says. “However, that’s only ‘if’ something like that happens. And I don’t think there’s a high chance of that given how unassuming you are. Not to mention you stay at home most of the time. You’re using that as an excuse.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, and if something like that does happen, all she has to do is pretend she doesn’t know, like us,” I say and lean toward him. “Don’t you think you should at least warn her that something like that is possible? She needs to know what she’s dealing with.”

For a long moment Shyba is silent. “How do I tell her?” he asks and glances up, his brows arched. “What if… she hates me? I do not want to disappoint her. She has done so much for me. I can never repay her kindness and for her to learn that I…”

His eyes are on the ground again and I can see his breath becoming shorter.

“So, are you just gonna let it keep festering until you inevitably break?” Nicky asks.

Shyba looks back up at him, his brows furrowed.

Nicky leans in. “We can tell you’re not sleeping. This is tearing you apart and to be honest, Jer and I can’t give you the help you need,” he says. “Mama set aside time for you both to talk about stuff, right? She’s waiting for you to tell her what’s wrong. But you have to take that first step.”

He stares Shyba down. “And I can promise you right now, she already knows a lot more than you think.”

I lean toward him. “She can help you,” I say. “It’s okay to ask for help.”

Shyba’s gaze returns to the ground, and he clenches his jaw. “I do not need help. I need to be punished.”

“And how do you plan to do that?” Nicky asks. “You said if you went back or if someone finds you, you would be taken by them again. Then you’re right back where you started.”

“I…” he starts, trailing off.

Nicky lets out a breath. “She isn’t going to abandon you. Take it from me,” he says, his voice gentle. “My parents kicked me to the curb. Reba and Paul took me in, but it was her that saved me not only from being homeless at thirteen years old, but also from myself. Once I opened up to her, I was able to understand myself and be at peace.”

I nod slowly. “Shyba, she needs to know,” I mutter. “And you need to talk about it and figure stuff out.”

He remains silent and I wonder if we got through to him. I suppose if it comes down to it, we can give him an ultimatum, but I want to at least give him a chance to make the decision on his own. I want him to be able to actually trust us.

We finish eating and head back home, Shyba remaining silent. By the time we get back it’s dark and he heads up to his room without a word. I let out a sigh. I really wish he would give us a chance and open up. He would be able to really start healing.